Eddie and Graham: How to be responsible male lesbians
Since ‘Her’ accepted my deeply held inner special gender feeling honest guv that I am in fact, a woman, I’ve realised that too many cis people are talking about trans issues and that’s not allowed. Only people who’ve suddenly started calling themselves trans, like Eddie Izzard and me, are allowed to talk about trans issues.
That’s why Eddie and I are launching a campaign to teach men how to become responsible male lesbians. To that end, we are introducing a charter of behaviour that we hereby swear to uphold!
We are not automatically entitled to female spaces because we wear women’s clothing. Single-sex spaces exist for a reason, and the safeguarding of women and children is more important than validating the feelings of two middle-aged men, or even hundreds of middle-aged men.
We will not take advantage of any measures to address the gender imbalance in politics. These measures were intended to increase the representation of women and women alone. Using these measures to further our own political fortunes is morally wrong, and we simply refuse to do it.
We will never make unevidenced claims about the safety of puberty blockers merely to further validate ourselves and our decisions.
Forcing people to use preferred pronouns is compelled speech and Eddie and I won’t have it. We will never require another human being to lie in order to protect our feelings. The pronouns you choose to use for us are none of our business.
(Compelled speech is also an early sign of authoritarian rule, another reason Eddie and I hate it!)
We will never presume to tell women not to speak about issues to do with the female body, or attempt to centre ourselves on occasions like women’s marches or international women’s day, or violence against women awareness days. These are sacred occasions are for women, they respect the memory of women, and that is sacrosanct. We will never intrude on those special moments and will content ourselves instead with one of the many trans awareness days that fill up the rest of the year and are just for us.
We will not compete in women’s sport because we have a huge physical advantage and it wouldn’t be fair. It’s a wrench for both of us, Eddie and I being enthusiastic amateur boxers, but we feel that not only would it be more of a challenge to compete against people our own size and weight, but also it would reduce the chance of our accidentally murdering our opponents. Not a single sportswoman should lose their place on a podium to a man, let alone be gravely injured by one.
If Eddie and I decide to go on a Thelma and Louise style adventure across the UK and are subsequently arrested, we will not demand to be released early or to be placed in the women’s estate. Women in prison deserve to be safe and even though Eddie and I are nice trans-identified males, not everyone else is. Sexual assault is too severe a punishment for not paying your TV license.
We will no longer call ourselves male lesbians. A lesbian is an adult human female attracted to other adult human females. Any attempt to change the meaning of this word is homophobic, and Eddie and I stand united against homophobia.
And for God’s sake, take your pronouns out of your bio. Trans rights will never be advanced by people behaving like sheep.
Now if you’ll excuse us, Eddie and I have got a date with a highway.