It’s not a bigger scandal for the same reason that the grooming gang scandal isn’t bigger….women and children simply don’t matter enough. If all this was happening to men it would have been stopped years ago.
Such a good point about it happening to men. Given all the clubs for men only (which I have no problem with) that have managed to continue without being abused. I wonder if they'll take note when grown men start demanding access to children's groups claiming to identify as a child. Trans is sacred and it makes no sense why.
I've snuck in under cover to 'She' nightclub in Soho, London and stickered the loos and the eff of TERFs sign on the bar in pure spite of this hell. It is the cruelest thing to do, to divide and separate an already small vulnerable group. Which is of course what they would say, like all narcissists.
I keep telling people and nobody cares about lesbians and their inclusion it seems. Just like how unisex restrooms have men peeing all over the seat. What about women who have to sit on it? What about our inclusion? So hostile, gender ideology is.
"Women who challenge it are often thrown out because other women feel sorry for these men."
This is the mystery at the heart of the trans madness. What is it in the history and psychological makeup of those people that their attitudes and behavior run counter to their own interests and those of actual lesbians? Are they of substandard intelligence or mentally impaired in some other way that they really believe a man can become a lesbian? Did they come up in radical woke or leftist circles where truth takes a back seat to ideology and men who say they identify as women are higher up in the victim hierarchy than real women? Do they somehow see those pathetic cross-dressing fetishists as victims of the patriarchy? Are they so isolated that they've never been part of a real-life lesbian friend group and social scene, so they assume male lesbians are standard characters in the online world of lesbian spaces?
In a perfect world there would be a social media platform that was not captive to trans ideology where real women could control the space and keep the creeps out.
I've always wondered about this myself. Why is it that women are happy to prioritise men regardless of whatever they call themselves. I have an idea on this. I read in a novel (written by a woman) that women have a 'female salivating desire to please' and I do wonder if this is part of the problem. If you said to a woman it would make you happy if they cut off their leg, they'd probably do it - after checking which leg it was that you'd prefer they cut off. There are also women who do prioritise men, either consciously or otherwise. I had a female boss who favoured male team members over women and, I think, didn't realise what she was doing. She'd probably have been mortified if someone pointed out her behaviour. In both cases, these women see people / men as a priority that need nurturing even if it's a case of cutting off their noses to spite their face. I'm baffled by this but there it is.
Women are more predisposed to be placid, keep the peace and be nice. It's nature. This is why men claiming to be women get so angry when women don't act how they expect.
True. It's probably the main reason behind the desire to please which is keeping everyone happy even at their own expense. It's still interesting how they can prioritise men above all others though. You can point out the counter-arguments that people put forward against giving males free rein to all things relating to women. That allowing men into women's spaces is a safeguarding risk for women and children, that men participating in women's sports can be dangerous, and so on and yet they still persist even when they see the evidence. It's bizarre.
Eww. Why do they they have to...insert themselves... into everything that's supposed to be women only? It's creepy and pervy. I bet they don't want to go out with each other though; they'll be wanting a cis-lesbian to satisfy their fetish/delusion. I'm straight but would imagine that the last thing a lesbian wants is a bloke in a bad wig. FFS.
Please know that you and other like-minded lesbians are a great support of women married to suddenly demanding, crossdressing husbands. These men and their therapists coerce, cajole and wheedle their wives for sex role play involving aggressive humiliation scenarios. No woman should cave to these demands, even "if only" for pretend pronouns. For both lesbians suddenly confronted with a fake "lesbian" male suitor and women whose husbands suddenly want to be that suitor, the only choice is get out, leave, no accommodation of his fantasy. For the lesbians who think, as one old friend stated to me last year, "they'll come for us next" (meaning her imagined far Right enemies) you are much more threatened when you let these dudes into your personal lives. Be strong, be yourselves, know we believe in your rights as same sex attracted women.
Could someone please explain why lesbian women feel obliged to date these men? As a straight woman if I was looking for a partner I would not feel pressurised to go with every man, some I wouldn’t like the look of, some I would not get a good feeling from, some I may chat to and just not click, so why should lesbians be made to feel guilty for not wanted to date anyone, especially a man?
this is so sad. These men are just completely selfish and bullies. How can mainstream commentators not just call this out. It so sad and shows how unimportant the rights of lesbians are in the UK. Thanks for writing this.
The second man in that group of pictures is wearing a device that I have seen in other pictures. It is a woman's torso with big breasts. It is apparently made of semi-soft plastic (maybe rubber), and it keeps its shape. It seems to be contoured to fit over a male torso. The "skin" of the breasts looks natural enough that the first time I saw one, I didn't realize it wasn't real.
I'll tell you, all those men look creepy. It is hard to know, though, which ones are just creepy and which ones might be truly dangerous to women. I know enough about crime to know that there have been cross-dressing men who killed women.
Human beings are very team-oriented animals, and there is little tolerance among us for people who don't know their "team" or place. Not too long ago I was looking at pictures of trans women and trans activists. There is one man who is the head of an organization in the Midwest. He looks to be six feet tall, and he didn't try hard (if at all) to look feminine. When I was looking at his picture, I got angry that he was pretending to be something he wasn't, but also because he was pretending so poorly. His clothes weren't even feminine. Just a little touch of lipstick on his lips. If you don't pass well, then what's the point?
Some many years ago, before all this trans rubbish, I was at the opening of Sydney Mardi Gras. At a nearby outdoor table was a group of young men in full, glorious drag. They were exquisite, in emerald green Grace Kelly silk dresses, stilettos and matching parasols. They weren't trying to be women - they were just themselves.
I do wonder about how much selectivity goes on in (everyone) who posts photos of creepy men. There is a long history of men who dress up like women, but this bizarre sexualisation is something else entirely. It needs to be called out, and probably also needs old-fashioned cross dressing men to call it out too.
On a light note, though. A friend told me about her older lesbians group, where someone invited a transitioning male friend along so he "could learn more about how women act". He arrived in makeup and the standard bob wig and heels - the women were all middle aged with buzz-cut grey hair, button up shirts and boots.
There is an idea among liberals (of which I'm one) that drag queens are part of diversity, but I don't think that's true. Drag, in my opinion, is a sexual fetish. The reason I think that's true is that most drag queens dress up as SEXY women -- basically, as prostitutes. I would say that 80% of them dress up that way. That wasn't always true (I'm 74 and I remember from years ago). It is the sexual aspect that raises suspicion.
I was one of those people who, about a decade ago, started comparing drag to black face. Men dress up as women to mock women, and white people dress up in blackface to mock blacks. Where's the difference? It is because misogyny is so ingrained in our society that mocking women seems okay.
I don't think it was fully to mock, althougj I do agree that it does mock, or not take others seriously. The people doing it may not have knowingly been mocking. But they do not understand the groups they are dressing up as. They have not sought to understand others, they seem not to respect others.
And in their 2 dimensional charicatures they are demeaning and discrediting those they sham.
For another view, I recommend the fantastic doco “PS Burn This Letter, Please.” Set in the early 60s, with footage from that time, as well as contemporary interviews, it is based on recently resurfaced correspondence between deeply closeted men, some of whom were REAL drag queens. They weren’t interested in dating women. They looked like show girls. Performers.
The comparison between these fabulous creatures, who knew they were gay men, and their obnoxious modern brothers, whose fetish is autogynephelia, couldn’t be more stark.
It's my impression that men who dress up in womanface these days, whether straight, gay, or bi, are doing it from the "I wanna be a sex object" (for straight men) standpoint.
This wasn't always the case (although that contingent is nothing new); till recently, most publicly-visible men who dressed as woman were gay, and (I think) mainly trying to find some way to fit within the inherently-homophobic system of gender. The straight men with AGP were-- aside from James "Jan" Morris--indulging their paraphilia in private, not yet having hit upon a way to sell it to the public as a civil right.
Both groups are now inclined to go for the slutty style, I think, because both are sexually catering to straight men: for the gay guys, it's the men they want to attract (since this new breed rejects gay/bi men along with their own homosexuality), and for the AGP guys... it's themselves. But either way, they see women strictly as sexual fantasies. It's as though what's in some straight dude's head is all that's real; actual women are a mere mirage.
Thank you for writing this piece. I'm not a lesbian, but I want lesbians to have their own spaces away from predatory men. Only someone socialised as a man could possibly be so selfish and entitled. As for that poor girl who can't bear to be invaded by her 'girlfriend's penis' ... she has been brainwashed and obviously doesn't understand the meaning of the word 'consent'. How can we support lesbians into reclaiming their own spaces and their own bodies?
My lesbian daughter is not speaking to me as I agree with you about these invasive men. When you start to pretend men can be women, and vice versa, where the lines should be drawn becomes impossibly complicated.
I suspect she has lesbian friends who have been told they would be more comfortable as straight men as a primary reason for favouring “inclusivity”, but she also sees the likes of Imane Khelif as being a poor, beleaguered, masculine woman that she feels empathy with.
The fact that an obvious male in men’s clothes (legally female or otherwise) does not face the same opprobrium as an obvious female in men’s clothes has passed her by, as has the very obvious possibility that DSD or no, he may be a common or garden cheat, cynically using the loophole his incorrectly recorded birth provided.
I hope this will pass, but while young women militantly insist on including these men, your communities will remain in turmoil, as are all close-knit groups where narcissists in victim mode invade. Ironically, she witnessed a damaged young woman invade her friendship group and a family as a teenager, splitting both apart, but she still can’t see the pattern. That is what is happening in your communities. Some see the invader as he is. He grooms others to see him as a victim. The group then falls apart, as you describe, with everything else giving way to the argument.
For some children it is hard to be "tough" in their view -- i.e., to show "tough love". They haven't figured out the difference between being frank and being insensitive. It also takes courage to tell a trans woman that he/she is really a man. Being frank is all the more difficult for girls because they are socialized to be sympathetic, not to mention that they may feel unsafe to be frank to trans women who are larger than they are.
That's not to say that I go out of my way with the brutal frankness. I am on Section 8, which includes a yearly home inspection. I said nothing negative to the 5'6" young woman named "Timothy" who showed up to inspect my home, not only because she might have retaliated by finding a violation, but it just seemed unnecessary to throw the truth in her face. I mean, if she wants to pretend she is a man, despite looking like a teenaged girl, it's not for me to tear her fantasy away from her. She'll figure out what she is eventually. However, her chest was completely flat, and I was tempted to blurt out, "Please tell me you haven't cut your breasts off!" But in the interest of passing the inspection, I didn't.
In my life before I realised I was attracted more to men than women, I was part of the wonderful lesbian community. So I understand when you say what it used to be like.
I can imagine how my friends and I would feel if we encountered men in drag who didn't own the truth that they were actually men.
Yes, I'd be suspicious and feel unsafe. I wouldn't be able to relate to them at all because I'd have to enter a space of murky deception. I'd have to pretend.
I think If have less difficulty if they were gender non-conforming and owned their truth.
But then I think of a friend who liked dressing drag who owned his truth, wouldn't attempt to enter a woman only space.
Someone in drag who knew who he really is would offer no threat, as someone who was honest with themselves.
I have dear friends who are lesbian who I cannot talk to about any of this.
I find that really hard.
Again, the pretending is wearing. I wouldn't have to pretend if the ideology hadn't thrown out so many high stakes.
I also know some of my son's friends, openly gay and lesbian. Wonderful young people of integrity, discovering who they are. They speak about this as well, but lack the maturity to correctly identify their own discomfort. So they revert to the rhetoric more often than not.
Another thing comes to mind with your story. It brings to mind the daughter of a close friend of mine, who has started to feel guilty about wanting distance from a close friend. She is a teen who has come to the understanding she is lesbian. Also,
a kid older than her years, who has been supporting a dear boy whose family are going through an acrimonious divorce. He stays over at my friend's place, and he and her daughter (before she came to feel she was lesbian) have been very close. My friend and her daughter have supported him through 3+ years of his difficult home life. He's shared her bedroom, and sometimes her bed. Just to sleep, as a kid. Now that they are older, I became aware (because of writing to you all here) how difficult that might be for a boy going through puberty.
Lo and behold, he came out as trans. After a while he said he was lesbian, now he and my friend's daughter are officially 'together'.
Someone on this forum replied to me and warned about this before it even happened.
It isn't my place- only my friend's. Actually it should be his parents, but they're a mess, and his mum feels like a victim in her marriage so she has her son under her compassionate wing while she supports his trans identity. I don't know where his father is with this. I've had a shot at speaking with her which was not worth the energy given her response to me.
So I've spoken to my friend, but she is wary, happy her daughter has a friend at school, says at least she's given her daughter time to figure herself out, and isn't getting involved.
I've tried to share what I know, as yet to no avail.
When it comes down to individuals like this lad, I see such a tangled web of unaddressed emotional problems.
Leading to something like your story.
At some point, what does one do with one's compassion for a young boy like this?
Sadly, he was 'built' by parents who care more about themselves than to put the effort into 'tough love'. Parenting through these ideologies and difficulties takes an ENORMOUS amount of time and effort.
When it comes down to your story, there isn't time and it isn't 'our' place to do the emotional work for these damaged young men. When it comes down to this, it's a matter of calling it what it is, and leaving others to make their own choices around that.
And those who choose to do the emotional hard work with damaged men like this, have to go into with eyes wide open. Not to mention, there's no point in going into it if both are blind.
I see this situation like that.
The women who are awake.
The women who are awake and are able to call it.
The women who are awake, aren't safe to call it, but able to walk away.
And the women who are asleep or choose not to see what's right in front of them, who will then maybe have to go through hitting their heads against a brick wall for a while until they wake up and realise its just not worth the effort to have compassion for a damaged man, hiding behind a mask from his own truth.
Not worth the effort.
Dangerous in some instances.
Either way, it's opening oneself to abuse or at least being used.
Some of us aren't willing to do it to ourselves, just because.
Others of us aren't willing because we've gone through it and know better to steer clear now.
Sooner or later more of us will become wiser, and I hope the tipping point is nigh.
It’s not a bigger scandal for the same reason that the grooming gang scandal isn’t bigger….women and children simply don’t matter enough. If all this was happening to men it would have been stopped years ago.
WORD. And we are SICK of it. Literally.
Such a good point about it happening to men. Given all the clubs for men only (which I have no problem with) that have managed to continue without being abused. I wonder if they'll take note when grown men start demanding access to children's groups claiming to identify as a child. Trans is sacred and it makes no sense why.
Exactly. Everyone should be free to have their own groups. The fact that they won’t let us just emphasises the fact that they’re bullying men.
I think there has been cases of men pretending to be children to access playgrounds etc.
We have to stop qualifying them as “Trans/identified etc” just MEN.
Precisely. I'm not playing the pronouns game anymore.
Brilliant piece. It makes me so angry. I want to shake the women that allow it. It's infuriating and completely devastating.
I've snuck in under cover to 'She' nightclub in Soho, London and stickered the loos and the eff of TERFs sign on the bar in pure spite of this hell. It is the cruelest thing to do, to divide and separate an already small vulnerable group. Which is of course what they would say, like all narcissists.
I keep telling people and nobody cares about lesbians and their inclusion it seems. Just like how unisex restrooms have men peeing all over the seat. What about women who have to sit on it? What about our inclusion? So hostile, gender ideology is.
"Women who challenge it are often thrown out because other women feel sorry for these men."
This is the mystery at the heart of the trans madness. What is it in the history and psychological makeup of those people that their attitudes and behavior run counter to their own interests and those of actual lesbians? Are they of substandard intelligence or mentally impaired in some other way that they really believe a man can become a lesbian? Did they come up in radical woke or leftist circles where truth takes a back seat to ideology and men who say they identify as women are higher up in the victim hierarchy than real women? Do they somehow see those pathetic cross-dressing fetishists as victims of the patriarchy? Are they so isolated that they've never been part of a real-life lesbian friend group and social scene, so they assume male lesbians are standard characters in the online world of lesbian spaces?
In a perfect world there would be a social media platform that was not captive to trans ideology where real women could control the space and keep the creeps out.
I've always wondered about this myself. Why is it that women are happy to prioritise men regardless of whatever they call themselves. I have an idea on this. I read in a novel (written by a woman) that women have a 'female salivating desire to please' and I do wonder if this is part of the problem. If you said to a woman it would make you happy if they cut off their leg, they'd probably do it - after checking which leg it was that you'd prefer they cut off. There are also women who do prioritise men, either consciously or otherwise. I had a female boss who favoured male team members over women and, I think, didn't realise what she was doing. She'd probably have been mortified if someone pointed out her behaviour. In both cases, these women see people / men as a priority that need nurturing even if it's a case of cutting off their noses to spite their face. I'm baffled by this but there it is.
Women are more predisposed to be placid, keep the peace and be nice. It's nature. This is why men claiming to be women get so angry when women don't act how they expect.
True. It's probably the main reason behind the desire to please which is keeping everyone happy even at their own expense. It's still interesting how they can prioritise men above all others though. You can point out the counter-arguments that people put forward against giving males free rein to all things relating to women. That allowing men into women's spaces is a safeguarding risk for women and children, that men participating in women's sports can be dangerous, and so on and yet they still persist even when they see the evidence. It's bizarre.
Excellent point. Thank you.
Eww. Why do they they have to...insert themselves... into everything that's supposed to be women only? It's creepy and pervy. I bet they don't want to go out with each other though; they'll be wanting a cis-lesbian to satisfy their fetish/delusion. I'm straight but would imagine that the last thing a lesbian wants is a bloke in a bad wig. FFS.
Very good point!
What happened to consent?
If these men thought they were really women, and also lesbians, how come they don’t date each other?
Ha, brilliant point! That would be brilliant.
They could have their own apps, amiright?
Please know that you and other like-minded lesbians are a great support of women married to suddenly demanding, crossdressing husbands. These men and their therapists coerce, cajole and wheedle their wives for sex role play involving aggressive humiliation scenarios. No woman should cave to these demands, even "if only" for pretend pronouns. For both lesbians suddenly confronted with a fake "lesbian" male suitor and women whose husbands suddenly want to be that suitor, the only choice is get out, leave, no accommodation of his fantasy. For the lesbians who think, as one old friend stated to me last year, "they'll come for us next" (meaning her imagined far Right enemies) you are much more threatened when you let these dudes into your personal lives. Be strong, be yourselves, know we believe in your rights as same sex attracted women.
Well put, Ute. Keep away from narcissists to retain your sanity and happiness.
Could someone please explain why lesbian women feel obliged to date these men? As a straight woman if I was looking for a partner I would not feel pressurised to go with every man, some I wouldn’t like the look of, some I would not get a good feeling from, some I may chat to and just not click, so why should lesbians be made to feel guilty for not wanted to date anyone, especially a man?
Is ‘thanks, but no thanks’ not a valid reply?
Thank you for adding your voice to those of the women like Julie Bindel who have been writing about this for years.
this is so sad. These men are just completely selfish and bullies. How can mainstream commentators not just call this out. It so sad and shows how unimportant the rights of lesbians are in the UK. Thanks for writing this.
The second man in that group of pictures is wearing a device that I have seen in other pictures. It is a woman's torso with big breasts. It is apparently made of semi-soft plastic (maybe rubber), and it keeps its shape. It seems to be contoured to fit over a male torso. The "skin" of the breasts looks natural enough that the first time I saw one, I didn't realize it wasn't real.
I'll tell you, all those men look creepy. It is hard to know, though, which ones are just creepy and which ones might be truly dangerous to women. I know enough about crime to know that there have been cross-dressing men who killed women.
Human beings are very team-oriented animals, and there is little tolerance among us for people who don't know their "team" or place. Not too long ago I was looking at pictures of trans women and trans activists. There is one man who is the head of an organization in the Midwest. He looks to be six feet tall, and he didn't try hard (if at all) to look feminine. When I was looking at his picture, I got angry that he was pretending to be something he wasn't, but also because he was pretending so poorly. His clothes weren't even feminine. Just a little touch of lipstick on his lips. If you don't pass well, then what's the point?
Some many years ago, before all this trans rubbish, I was at the opening of Sydney Mardi Gras. At a nearby outdoor table was a group of young men in full, glorious drag. They were exquisite, in emerald green Grace Kelly silk dresses, stilettos and matching parasols. They weren't trying to be women - they were just themselves.
I do wonder about how much selectivity goes on in (everyone) who posts photos of creepy men. There is a long history of men who dress up like women, but this bizarre sexualisation is something else entirely. It needs to be called out, and probably also needs old-fashioned cross dressing men to call it out too.
On a light note, though. A friend told me about her older lesbians group, where someone invited a transitioning male friend along so he "could learn more about how women act". He arrived in makeup and the standard bob wig and heels - the women were all middle aged with buzz-cut grey hair, button up shirts and boots.
There is an idea among liberals (of which I'm one) that drag queens are part of diversity, but I don't think that's true. Drag, in my opinion, is a sexual fetish. The reason I think that's true is that most drag queens dress up as SEXY women -- basically, as prostitutes. I would say that 80% of them dress up that way. That wasn't always true (I'm 74 and I remember from years ago). It is the sexual aspect that raises suspicion.
I was one of those people who, about a decade ago, started comparing drag to black face. Men dress up as women to mock women, and white people dress up in blackface to mock blacks. Where's the difference? It is because misogyny is so ingrained in our society that mocking women seems okay.
I don't think it was fully to mock, althougj I do agree that it does mock, or not take others seriously. The people doing it may not have knowingly been mocking. But they do not understand the groups they are dressing up as. They have not sought to understand others, they seem not to respect others.
And in their 2 dimensional charicatures they are demeaning and discrediting those they sham.
Hmmm... I've just seen a historic account, and maybe Your words are very accurate when you use the word 'mocking'.
I do believe this is true of modern trans women.
For another view, I recommend the fantastic doco “PS Burn This Letter, Please.” Set in the early 60s, with footage from that time, as well as contemporary interviews, it is based on recently resurfaced correspondence between deeply closeted men, some of whom were REAL drag queens. They weren’t interested in dating women. They looked like show girls. Performers.
The comparison between these fabulous creatures, who knew they were gay men, and their obnoxious modern brothers, whose fetish is autogynephelia, couldn’t be more stark.
So you think that today's drag queens are more likely to have autogynephilia, which is why they dress up like prostitutes? Interesting.
It's my impression that men who dress up in womanface these days, whether straight, gay, or bi, are doing it from the "I wanna be a sex object" (for straight men) standpoint.
This wasn't always the case (although that contingent is nothing new); till recently, most publicly-visible men who dressed as woman were gay, and (I think) mainly trying to find some way to fit within the inherently-homophobic system of gender. The straight men with AGP were-- aside from James "Jan" Morris--indulging their paraphilia in private, not yet having hit upon a way to sell it to the public as a civil right.
Both groups are now inclined to go for the slutty style, I think, because both are sexually catering to straight men: for the gay guys, it's the men they want to attract (since this new breed rejects gay/bi men along with their own homosexuality), and for the AGP guys... it's themselves. But either way, they see women strictly as sexual fantasies. It's as though what's in some straight dude's head is all that's real; actual women are a mere mirage.
Thank you for writing this piece. I'm not a lesbian, but I want lesbians to have their own spaces away from predatory men. Only someone socialised as a man could possibly be so selfish and entitled. As for that poor girl who can't bear to be invaded by her 'girlfriend's penis' ... she has been brainwashed and obviously doesn't understand the meaning of the word 'consent'. How can we support lesbians into reclaiming their own spaces and their own bodies?
So these men (adult human males) who identify as women (adult human females) want to be lesbians?
Lesbians are women (adult human females) who are attracted to women (adult human females)
By that logic, me a straight man (adult human male) who is attracted to women (adult human females) qualifies as a lesbian!
These men are narcissistic misogynists and should be treated as such, keep them off lesbian dating sites.
My lesbian daughter is not speaking to me as I agree with you about these invasive men. When you start to pretend men can be women, and vice versa, where the lines should be drawn becomes impossibly complicated.
I suspect she has lesbian friends who have been told they would be more comfortable as straight men as a primary reason for favouring “inclusivity”, but she also sees the likes of Imane Khelif as being a poor, beleaguered, masculine woman that she feels empathy with.
The fact that an obvious male in men’s clothes (legally female or otherwise) does not face the same opprobrium as an obvious female in men’s clothes has passed her by, as has the very obvious possibility that DSD or no, he may be a common or garden cheat, cynically using the loophole his incorrectly recorded birth provided.
I hope this will pass, but while young women militantly insist on including these men, your communities will remain in turmoil, as are all close-knit groups where narcissists in victim mode invade. Ironically, she witnessed a damaged young woman invade her friendship group and a family as a teenager, splitting both apart, but she still can’t see the pattern. That is what is happening in your communities. Some see the invader as he is. He grooms others to see him as a victim. The group then falls apart, as you describe, with everything else giving way to the argument.
For some children it is hard to be "tough" in their view -- i.e., to show "tough love". They haven't figured out the difference between being frank and being insensitive. It also takes courage to tell a trans woman that he/she is really a man. Being frank is all the more difficult for girls because they are socialized to be sympathetic, not to mention that they may feel unsafe to be frank to trans women who are larger than they are.
That's not to say that I go out of my way with the brutal frankness. I am on Section 8, which includes a yearly home inspection. I said nothing negative to the 5'6" young woman named "Timothy" who showed up to inspect my home, not only because she might have retaliated by finding a violation, but it just seemed unnecessary to throw the truth in her face. I mean, if she wants to pretend she is a man, despite looking like a teenaged girl, it's not for me to tear her fantasy away from her. She'll figure out what she is eventually. However, her chest was completely flat, and I was tempted to blurt out, "Please tell me you haven't cut your breasts off!" But in the interest of passing the inspection, I didn't.
It does shock me.
In my life before I realised I was attracted more to men than women, I was part of the wonderful lesbian community. So I understand when you say what it used to be like.
I can imagine how my friends and I would feel if we encountered men in drag who didn't own the truth that they were actually men.
Yes, I'd be suspicious and feel unsafe. I wouldn't be able to relate to them at all because I'd have to enter a space of murky deception. I'd have to pretend.
I think If have less difficulty if they were gender non-conforming and owned their truth.
But then I think of a friend who liked dressing drag who owned his truth, wouldn't attempt to enter a woman only space.
Someone in drag who knew who he really is would offer no threat, as someone who was honest with themselves.
I have dear friends who are lesbian who I cannot talk to about any of this.
I find that really hard.
Again, the pretending is wearing. I wouldn't have to pretend if the ideology hadn't thrown out so many high stakes.
I also know some of my son's friends, openly gay and lesbian. Wonderful young people of integrity, discovering who they are. They speak about this as well, but lack the maturity to correctly identify their own discomfort. So they revert to the rhetoric more often than not.
Another thing comes to mind with your story. It brings to mind the daughter of a close friend of mine, who has started to feel guilty about wanting distance from a close friend. She is a teen who has come to the understanding she is lesbian. Also,
a kid older than her years, who has been supporting a dear boy whose family are going through an acrimonious divorce. He stays over at my friend's place, and he and her daughter (before she came to feel she was lesbian) have been very close. My friend and her daughter have supported him through 3+ years of his difficult home life. He's shared her bedroom, and sometimes her bed. Just to sleep, as a kid. Now that they are older, I became aware (because of writing to you all here) how difficult that might be for a boy going through puberty.
Lo and behold, he came out as trans. After a while he said he was lesbian, now he and my friend's daughter are officially 'together'.
Someone on this forum replied to me and warned about this before it even happened.
It isn't my place- only my friend's. Actually it should be his parents, but they're a mess, and his mum feels like a victim in her marriage so she has her son under her compassionate wing while she supports his trans identity. I don't know where his father is with this. I've had a shot at speaking with her which was not worth the energy given her response to me.
So I've spoken to my friend, but she is wary, happy her daughter has a friend at school, says at least she's given her daughter time to figure herself out, and isn't getting involved.
I've tried to share what I know, as yet to no avail.
When it comes down to individuals like this lad, I see such a tangled web of unaddressed emotional problems.
Leading to something like your story.
At some point, what does one do with one's compassion for a young boy like this?
Sadly, he was 'built' by parents who care more about themselves than to put the effort into 'tough love'. Parenting through these ideologies and difficulties takes an ENORMOUS amount of time and effort.
When it comes down to your story, there isn't time and it isn't 'our' place to do the emotional work for these damaged young men. When it comes down to this, it's a matter of calling it what it is, and leaving others to make their own choices around that.
And those who choose to do the emotional hard work with damaged men like this, have to go into with eyes wide open. Not to mention, there's no point in going into it if both are blind.
I see this situation like that.
The women who are awake.
The women who are awake and are able to call it.
The women who are awake, aren't safe to call it, but able to walk away.
And the women who are asleep or choose not to see what's right in front of them, who will then maybe have to go through hitting their heads against a brick wall for a while until they wake up and realise its just not worth the effort to have compassion for a damaged man, hiding behind a mask from his own truth.
Not worth the effort.
Dangerous in some instances.
Either way, it's opening oneself to abuse or at least being used.
Some of us aren't willing to do it to ourselves, just because.
Others of us aren't willing because we've gone through it and know better to steer clear now.
Sooner or later more of us will become wiser, and I hope the tipping point is nigh.