Penny Mordaunt knows that mice exist

A statement from Penny Mordaunt, Conservative leadership hopeful, (by Innocent Bystander, Moley and me)

I feel I have to address a question that many people seem keen to ask.

Now that I am applying for the position of leader of the Conservative Party, I want to be clear on the answer to the question, “Do mice exist?”. 

Of course they exist and I have always accepted that. When I said from the despatch box that mice weren’t real, I was merely repeating something that my advisors assured me was fashionable. This is a subject I have since examined in depth and, despite the implausibility of there being things which look like miniature kangaroos living all around us, I can state that I have every reason to believe mice exist.

From discussions with the Health Minister I understand that these creatures somehow, carry out most of our medical research. And I could tell by the way the Minister was shaking his head as he walked away from me that he is in awe of these amazing creatures, working long shifts to protect us from COVID while dealing with the endless, needless bureaucracy of the NHS. Mice, not only do I believe you exist, I salute you for your tenacity, your ingenuity and the empathy you show to your patients. I am confident that the twin scourges of Weil's disease and the Black Death will one day be defeated and our citizenry will have those whiskered boffins to thank. 

Because of this and other evidence that has recently come to light, I am happy to accept that mice (and rats) are not mere fictional creations intended for the entertainment of children but very real and all around us right now, in the skirting boards and fields of this great country. I am distressed to find that some of my opponents are prepared to focus on previous statements I have made which appeared to support the alternative view. Specifically “Mice aren’t real”, “Everyone knows mice aren’t real”, “mice don’t exist”, “What a load of bollocks ‘mice’ are” and “Mice, my arse.”

Penny receiving an award from Pink News for lying

If the events related in the documentary, ‘Ratatouille’, are to be believed then our catering industry owes tiny rodents a great debt. Who among us had no cause for doubt when they first discovered that mice were under every chef’s hat, bringing us our delicious meals in the Member’s Dining Room? Not me. But now I stare at my meals with added wonder, marvelling that they have been prepared by a man being operated like a puppet by a tiny genius-level rodent chef pulling bits of his scalp to make him move about.

Owls, ladies and gentlemen!. A species for which I have also have great respect. A bird which can swivel its head in a complete circle. Very much like an eagle with the head of a cat. And also a beak. Where would these proud animals be without access to mice, which, and I wrote this down so I could get this right, “are a staple part of their diet, for God’s sake”. Apparently, these cat-eagles swoop down and eat mice that live in fields. Who could blame me for thinking this the stuff of fantasy? 

Let’s talk more about the accomplishments of mice. They scare off elephants, they run round in little wheels to provide electricity to cities, they navigate mazes for reasons of their own, they control chefs. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Where would any of us be if an owl had not rescued Frodo from Mount Doom at the end of Lord of the Rings? I think it was an owl, but I had drowsed off by that point after eating some excellent popcorn throughout what we can all accept was a very long film. 

As I stand before you now I am ready, indeed desperate, to assume the leadership of this country. Just imagining it quite makes me forget what I was saying. Ah yes, this “mice” business. Honestly, just let me know what you feel I should say and I’ll say it. Stealing cheese while being preyed upon by swivel-headed cat-eagles? Rescuing tiny bumpkins from Mount Doom?

Whatever you say. I just want power.