"It's not just about the right person for me, it's about the right man."

A gay man defends his sexuality

I've recently seen a number of Stonewall's useful idiots appearing on Twitter claiming that (as gay men) they would, of course, date trans men (David Paisley is a case in point). The great thing about this statement is that it is always hypothetical. A claim easily made but one that never has to be lived up to. It's a grift to make other gay men, those of us who are willing to be clear that we are exclusively attracted to males, appear to be "unkind". It plays into the (homophobic) "genital fetishist" trope that has sprung up recently and it gives the claimant the moral high ground by claiming that he "sees the person" while the rest of us are just focused on sex.

But here's the thing. What this idea does is make a mockery of everything gays and lesbians have fought for over the years.

If it really was "just about the person" why would any of us have felt so compelled to risk everything - our friends, our family, our jobs - to come out, declare who and what we were and to live our lives according to how we need to live them? If it really was "just about the person" we could have saved ourselves all that if only we had found that right person. There would be no need for any of us to ever have to come out. And that's why this is such a terrible thing to say to lesbians and gay men.

It's just what our parents said to us when we came out to them. It's what society thought of us when it wanted us to shut up. But so strong was our conviction about how we were "wired up" that gay men particularly have been risking arrest, imprisonment, disgrace for centuries because of who and what we are. Would we do that if all it took was finding the "right person"?

Finally, and most upsettingly about this convenient, self-righteous lie, is that there are gay men and lesbians alive today who do not have the luxury of living in the west with all the freedoms that provides. They live in countries where they can be arrested, imprisoned, killed by their families or by the state and STILL their need to live as same-sex attracted men is so great that they are as compelled to be gay as I am.

I can live no other way. It's not just about the right person for me, it's about the right man. Always has been. So that's why I view that statement as a lie and also a betrayal. A betrayal of all the gay men and lesbians who have gone before us and risked everything so we could be free to live our lives in peace and freedom. And a betrayal of all the gay men and lesbians alive today who do not have the freedom we enjoy to live their lives as they are compelled to do so and yet do so anyway.

Who I am attracted to is not just a matter of "finding the right person". It's homophobic emotional blackmail. It was bad enough when straight people said it. It's worse now that gender ideology has gone so far that gay men and lesbians are now saying it to each other.

Hassan Mamdani