Leaked memo reveals new Stonewall appeal to businesses
Stonewall reveals latest pivot: selling 'courtroom experiences'
A whistleblower within Stonewall has sent us an internal memo detailing a possible new direction for the company. The text is below, exactly as it was written except for links which we have added ourselves. Thanks to Lordy for the courtroom sketch.
(Get Nancy to have a look at this. It’s a bit of a hail mary but she what she thinks.)
Tired of the rat race? Life getting you down? Fancy a break from the same old routine? Sick of mundane, legally defensible HR policies? Why not take a break from it all and sit in one of our ‘courtroom experiences’ for the best part of a month?
Do you enjoy the idea of being litigated against? Do you dream of writing long, detailed witness statements? Have you always wanted Ben Cooper QC to call you a liar in public? Or maybe you just want to meet more employment judges?
Whatever your situation, and as long as you enjoy bullying black lesbians, we at Stonewall have got you covered.
Because we're not just talking about getting you sued, we’re talking about getting you ‘Stonewall Sued’. We're talking about getting you twenty-one-days-of-an-employment-tribunal-sued. We're not just talking about getting in an employment junior, we're talking about Andrew Hochhauser as your QC. So if you're bored of owning your own house, his first bill should deal with that.
And don’t think we won’t be there to help in court! Our crack team of a ‘transman’ with long hair, his mum and a ‘support animal’ will be there to lend a hand throughout the ordeal, and explain why
women in prison for license fee evasion deserve to be assaulted/raped by men called ‘Karen’ and ‘Barbie’.
Children as young as 2 can tell they’re trans
Safe spaces for women and girls are bigoted hellholes until men have full access to them
Lesbians are like racists if they won’t have sex with crossdressing straight males
Just relax and let all that rigorous equalities policy melt away as we have Millenial lunatics rewrite your entire employment framework. Sit back and let us bully and victimise your black, lesbian staff by proxy while you enjoy the warm glow of moral superiority until it’s time to pay the piper. Then it’s all on you, buddy!
Enjoy the soothing noise of shit finally hitting the fan as you come face to face with barristers who know the actual law.
Our courtroom experiences utilise real, incredulous, judges and will transport you to a world of actual consequences for your actions.
(Possible tone for testimonials follow)
“Stonewall made sure my HR were so high-handed, spiteful and vindictive that the judge even mentioned it in his summing up”
“I knew nothing about employment law so I contacted Stonewall and it turned out they didn’t either. I thoroughly enjoyed Ben Cooper QC publicly ridiculing me. How I and my board of directors laughed when I explained we were solely liable for the resultant damages.”
“Stonewall did exactly what they promised. The policies were homophobic, the witnesses were unconvincing and the damages were aggravated. Ten out of ten!”
“In the past we had employed legal advisers who believed in due diligence and saw the 2010 Equality Act as more than some negotiable guidelines. We never really felt that fitted who we were as a company. Stonewall helped us get to where we wanted to be. A national laughing stock with a reputation in tatters.”
STONEWALL: THE BUCK STOPS WITH YOU
Proper lols
I'd contribute to a crowd funder to print this and send copies to every company, government department, university, school, NGO, local council, MP etc etc